Comments (8)

By shannon, February 24, 2010 5:47 pm

It occurred to me that I’ve never properly introduced you to my little family (fury and not), so here’s a basic cast of characters in my life:

Brian and his best man.

Abby and I have been together for almost 12 years. She's fat, she snores, she sleeps on my head. I love her anyway.

Hoosier (named for the racing tire) is the coolest cat I've ever met. He does tricks, and he's scared of nothing.

Kumho (named for the other brand of racing tire that Brian uses) is an odd one. We think, based on the bizarre items he's always bringing us, that he's building some kind of world domination device. The jury's still out on that.

Monroe - Is my Yorkiepoo. He's so freaking cute that it actually nauseating sometimes. He loves me more than anything

Comments (15)

By shannon, February 23, 2010 2:57 pm

I need some advice, guys.  This is completely non-D-related, but I’ve got to get it out.

On Monday afternoon, one of my coworkers, who is always loud and obnoxious, made a ridiculous statement that he proclaimed to be fact.  A lot of us laughed and brushed it off, some made innocuous comments, and I made a joking statement about his “source” because he has a tendency to believe everything he reads. 

Instead of letting it go, he spent the next hour digging up various “studies” to support his claim.  When I said that the studies were, in my opinion, subjective, he accused me of not knowing the definition of the word.  He continued to declare that the studies were done by the government and, therefore, must be true.   I disagreed.

Well that’s all it took.  He completely unloaded on me (from across the room, each of us sitting at our respective desk).  He called me a “conspiracy theorist” who “only gets her news from Fox News.”  He called me a “Tea Bagger” – I’m not kidding.  He became positively rabid.

When I pointed out that only one of the three studies was actually conducted by a government agency (the first was done by a liberal think-tank; the second was done by a college), he claimed that the college study was also considered “government.”  He asked, “did you go to college?  Did you?  Huh, did you?”  He must have yelled that a dozen times.  When I responded with “yes, I did go to college” he became even more belligerent.

Finally after about 10 minutes of the insanity, I said, “That’s it.  I’m done.”  Throughout the entire ordeal, I never raised my voice.  He tried to continue the argument, but I just ignored him.

Here’s where I need advice:  I was approached by a fellow coworker/manager (who, FWIW, has differing political beliefs than I) who felt that this person’s behavior was way out of line.  It was unprofessional, disruptive, and abusive.  The coworker urged me to report the incident to our boss and offered to bear witness to the entire fiasco.

So, should I take this to my boss, or should I just let it roll?  I will say that this guy is also the only one in our entire group who, more often than not, shows up for work at 10:30, takes a long lunch, and leaves at 5:00.  He’s so loud that most of us have to wear headphones just to focus on our work.  BUT, he’s worked here for a while; I’ve only been here for six months. 

So, what do you think?

Comments (8)

By shannon, February 23, 2010 8:14 am

So, in a couple of weeks, I have my quarterly appointment with Dr. S.  For the first time in a while, I’m dreading this appointment.  I should be focusing on things like getting my blood drawn, having an excuse to get a pedicure, and figuring out what to wear.  Instead, I’m bombarded by images of what our appointment is going to look like.

I figure it will start with the not-so-good news that my A1c has gone up since last time.  I know this is going to happen.  Then, we’ll take a look at my Dexcom reports, which will clearly show how horribly I’m slacking.  Dr. S. will ask me what’s going on.  He won’t be critical, he’ll just want to know if there’s some reason for my shitty numbers and weight gain.  He’ll talk about basals and boluses, but that’s not the problem.  The problem is that I’ve been in such a funk that I really haven’t cared as much about diabetes.  My numbers aren’t crazy; they’re just not as good as they have been.

This is when I’ll probably lose it.  I’ll have to tell him that I really don’t feel the need or desire to work so hard since there’s zero chance of me getting pregnant accidentally.  I’ll say sure, put me on whatever meds you want (Symlin, Lisinopril, etc.) because it really doesn’t matter which pregnancy category they are.  And, I’ll cry.  I know I will.  I’ll probably make him very uncomfortable – he’s an endocrinologist not a psychiatrist, after all.  He’s also got two beautiful children.  So, I’ll sit there blubbering about the unfair hand Brian and I have been dealt. 

He’ll probably attempt to get the appointment back on track by moving on to the physical exam.  I’ll sit there like a good patient, breathing in and out on cue.  He’ll declare me “healthy,” and that will be that.  We’ll go back to his office where he’ll write prescriptions, talk about what I can do to improve, and schedule our next appointment. 

So, life goes on.  On the outside, nothing has changed.  I continue to breathe in and out on cue.

Comments (4)

By shannon, February 22, 2010 9:42 am

You guys know how I feel about Roddy Pippin, so for something a little different, I’d like to use today’s blog post to demonstrate how others view Roddy. 

Below, is an email exchange between Phillip Baker and Scott Williamson.  Phillip is a retired Physician Assistant with extensive experience working with inmates.  He, just like me, has been trying to raise awareness of and bring attention to Roddy’s circumstances.  Phillip, is very passionate about Roddy, and he knows that Roddy’s situation is extremely atypical. 

Scott Williamson is a mouthpiece for the Texas & Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association (TSCRA).  They are the group who are behind Roddy’s continued incarceration.  They are the law in this part of Texas, and defying them is tantamount to political suicide. 

This is a long exchange, but I urge you to read it in its entirety.  Phillip has addressed many of the key issues that I have not. 

************************************************************************************

From: Phillip Baker

Date: February 10, 2010 3:06:10 PM CST

To: ewhite@texascattleraisers.org

Subject: Shame!

I write to deplore your association’s continued persecution of Mr. Roddy Pippin. Yes, at age 19 he did steal cattle and other items. But when caught, he cooperated fully with law enforcement, even telling them of thefts they had not discovered. And this is no longer the 19th century, when stealing cattle, often the lifeblood of struggling farmers and ranchers, was considered a “hanging offense”. We have, most of us, moved to a greater level of civilization long since. Yet your association has pushed the local officials to enforce a draconian punishment on this young man.

I have no illusions of appealing to your better nature in this matter. My recent trip through Quanah and that area of Texas disabused me of any notion that compassion, forgiveness, and plain human decency are prominent characteristics of the population. You all seem to take a very unforgiving stance on these matters.

But Roddy Pippin has had from age 6 a severe and rare form on diabetes. Several specialists have worked hard to help him control it. He committed his crimes in an effort to pay for his own medical costs. He had spent years losing job after job because of his disease, and his mother had borne the costs. He just wanted to pay his own way. His choices were stupid, and he fully accepted responsibility. Your association’s insistence on his receiving four, 2 year state jail terms, served consecutively has now caused this man to serve over five years on his sentence. The second term was a form of probation. The doctor at the state jail where he spent the first two years testified that he could not manage Roddy’s diabetes in state jail and doubted any such place could. Despite being 15 months into this third term of 2 years, and serving flawlessly according to his probation officer, the DA not only denied him this further probation, but refused to credit him for the 15 months served in confinement at his mother’s home. I understand that a contingent of cattlemen sat in that court to watch as he was denied relief.

This young man, now just barely 26, is now in a state prison, because the DA claimed he would receive “excellent medical care” around the clock. The facts are that by the time he arrived at Jester III, his blood sugars were wildly out of control. The medical staff there has been unable to accomplish control. Within a month, he could no longer feel his feet and lower legs due to nerve damage from the extremely high blood sugars. Shortly after that, he began experiencing the symptoms that indicate retinal damage from hemorrhaging and his kidney function had declined. His blood sugars fluctuate widely throughout the day. Within hours he will go from extreme high levels to deadly lows.

Let me paint you a picture of what this information means to living man. When his blood glucose levels are very high, his mental functioning goes awry. His mind is clouded, he often becomes very irritable, he begins to vomit constantly. He shakes all over and cannot muster enough strength to stand. Eventually he falls into a diabetic ketoacidosis-induced coma. He was rushed to a free world hospital within a month of arrival and saved from death at the last moment. Yet his sugars remain daily at horribly high levels. When his sugars fall to very deep lows, his behavior can become very agitated, even combative. He has been beaten to a pulp several times by prison guards while he has been in state custody. But the beatings are not the real danger. He has been housed in solitary confinement- they call is “medical isolation” – for months now. He is often – almost daily- unconscious and in seizure on the floor of his cell. He has to have glucose gel forced between his teeth to revive him and bring his sugar level up enough for his brain to function. A few days ago, he was found face down in a pool of his own blood, unconscious. During his seizure he had possibly broken his nose, deeply lacerated his forehead, and caused multiple bruises on his arms, face and body.  He was revived with difficulty. Had someone not discovered him at that moment, he would have died.

The roller coaster of these symptoms make his life hell. Not only is he terribly sick all day, but he is absolutely alone with nobody to call to for help. The nurses usually ignore his call bell for a very long time. According to the prison system and the doctor there, he is “fine” and receiving “excellent medical care- with insulin adjustments far better than he could do on his own in the free world! His greatest terror is that he will die blind behind those walls.

I am assured by people who know cattlemen in your organization that none of you care one whit if this man loses his feet, eyes, kidneys, or even his life. After all, your own investigator stated at Roddy’s trial that should he die in prison, that’s just tough. He stole cattle, he deserves to die. But I want you, personally, to have to know the human consequences to your hardnosed approach to this man’s offenses as a teen. I doubt you have the conscience to care about Roddy’s plight nor your complicity in it. Indeed, I fully expect you and your cronies will pass this email around, all having a good laugh at your success in crushing this young man.

But I promise you this. On blogs and websites across this globe, people are reading about Roddy Pippin’s nightmare, and when they see the influence of your business group, they are appalled. You have ridden your reputation worldwide into company with the likes of Dr. Kevorkian and the cruel and heartless Madame Lafarge of French Revolutionary infamy. People email me regularly to marvel at the unmitigated cruelty of “that cattlemens association in Texas”.  You must be so proud. I only wonder though. Do you share these cruel actions with you wives and children, you staunch cattlemen of Texas? Or is this just a juicy secret pleasure amongst your friends and associates? However you justify your actions, I say shame on you all. There must surely be a deepest dungeon in Hell itself for men who actions are marked by such unconscionable cruelty, meanness, lack of compassion, and dearth of Christian values. I hope never to have to meet such people as you.

Sincerely, but with shame upon you all,

Phillip Baker, PA (ret)

***********************************************************************************

From: “Scott Williamson” <scottw513@srcaccess.net>

Date: February 11, 2010 11:25:29 AM CST

To: Phillip Baker

Cc: “Larry Gray” <lgray@texascattleraisers.org>

Subject: Pippin

In reference to your letter.

You are free to believe what you wish.  Roddy stole for pleasure not to pay medical bills and remained healthy staying up all night stealing.  We did not sentence him to death, he agreed to a plea bargain represented by his own attorney admitting that he stole everything he could get his hands on for the fun of it “in his statement”.  Also it is not TSCRA blocking his sentence reduction, it is the legal system and the citizens of Texas that were offended.  Have a great day.

 Scott Williamson

Texas & Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association

Special Ranger District 8 / Supervisor Region 1

P.O. Box 488

Seymour Texas 76380

940-889-2269

scottw513@srcaccess.net

***********************************************************************************

From: Phillip Baker

Date: February 19, 2010 12:58:17 PM CST

To: ewhite@texascattleraisers.org

Subject: Response to Scott Williamson

Mr. White-

 Since you did not have the gumption to reply to me directly, but delegated it to your attack dog, Williamson, I felt compelled to copy my reply to him to you.

Mr. Williamson and the TSCRA-

I must apologize for the delay in replying to your email. It was stuck in a “junk” folder of my mail system. How ironic!

The tone of your email remains rigidly self-righteous. Clearly you are not a man who ever allows himself to question your decisions or examine your personal or professional motivations. Despite that, I will answer your assertions nonetheless.

You have convinced yourself that Roddy Pippin was just a smart ass, unrepentant, calculating thief whose only motivations were greed and the thrill of stealing. You cite “his own statements” as proof. I know otherwise, but for the point of argument will allow your assessment. So what? He was 19 years old! We all know that teens often make really stupid errors of judgment. Did you never falter as a kid? I know my own teens wobbled a lot on their way to adulthood.

But do we, as supposedly civilized nation and one, according to folks in your area, based upon Christian values, impose upon a teenager who commits his first brush with the law a penalty that leads to dismemberment or death? If this same sentence were being carried out in some alien nation such as Iran, there would be nationwide anger and recrimination. An American citizen so brutalized in a foreign prison would bring official US government intervention. But this is just some obscure kid from an obscure region of Texas. No outrage, because it is kept secret behind the walls of our prison system. But that does not make it any less outrageous nor any less immoral.

Roddy Pippin was a teen when he went astray. But you, Mr. Williamson, are a grown man in full possession, presumably, of a moral guidance and conscience. You are fully accountable for your actions. Your won statements on the record are barbaric. When told Mr. Pippin had a life-threatening disease and likely would suffer serious injury or death in a state prison, you said, in effect, “So what? He stole cattle, so he deserves whatever he gets.” And when pressed, you repeatedly said he did not care if this young man died in prison. Civilized nations- and certainly Christian people- do not impose such draconian sentences upon first time, non-violent offenders. Yet you continue to justify this abhorrent sentence because he stole some cattle! You should look to your own conscience.

You like to stress that Pippin voluntarily took that strange plea bargain. In point of fact, he had had many brushes with death in that jail in Quanah, with several emergency hospitalizations. The local sheriff had just declared that he would not allow any further hospitalizations, because it was costing his department too much money. Roddy Pippin knows that without daily treatment he will die. That is no hyperbole, just fact. Despite the continued willful denial of the reality of the rare form Type 1 diabetes that burdens Mr. Pippin by you and your henchmen in the judicial system there, this is NOT the diabetes of your gramma. Adult onset diabetes is a different disease entity, treated completely differently than Type I, with Type 1 with Somogyi. You should look it up sometime and educate yourself. But Roddy Pippin believed he would be allowed to die in that jail, and in his desperation he took a plea he did not want to take.

Your harp on about his voluntarily taking this plea. however, I have read over the Theft Reports that are posted online by your organization regularly. What strikes me is the fact that many cases are settled with deferred adjudication. I also am aware of the case of that son of a cattleman who stole far more cattle, yet got only a light sentence. Those folks committed the same, allegedly unforgivable sin of stealing cattle, and yet they get deferred adjudication and probation? Why? All I know is that it makes Roddy Pippin’s treatment by you and your organization stand out in stark contrast. What it shows is that you, Mr. Williamson, seem to have taken this case quite personally and used that personal animus to exact a very personal and savage revenge. Therefore, you bear the greater moral responsibility for the consequences of what is happening.

Do not even try to tell me that TSCRA is not behind this continued persecution. Cattlemen sat prominently placed in the courtroom when he pled for his life, in a show to your lapdog DA. How many DA’s have now ridden the Roddy Pippin career ladder to judgeships? For you to suggest that in cattle country the TSCRA is pure as the driven snow and has not exercised its influence behind the scenes is risible. Roddy Pippin is a personal grudge you all hold, and you are using that grudge to judicially murder him. That is the perception. That is your shame.

Pippin is housed in a solitary confinement cell in the infirmary of Jester III. Supposedly Jester can and will provide “excellent medical care around the clock”, according to DA Heatly. And yet Roddy was rushed to a freeworld hospital within the first few weeks there, saved from death only by the skills of the doctors at that hospital. The physician at Jester is a Pakistani-educated man who failed to recognize the obvious signs of diabetic ketoacidosis until his patient was near death. Meanwhile, every day Pippin continues to suffer extremely high levels of blood sugar, followed by dangerously low levels. High levels cause mental clouding, nausea, vomiting, extreme weakness, and sense of dying. Very low levels are worse. Most type 1 diabetics will actually keep their glucose level a little too high, just to avoid the awful symptoms of low sugar. With low sugars, he feels extremely weak, he shakes all over. His mental functioning goes awry. He feels as if death is imminent, yet he cannot manage enough energy to get up. Reaching a call button for the nurses is impossible. his vision begins to fail, the weakness and shaking increase, and finally, as his brain begins to malfunction, he goes in seizure. Unless someone forces glucose into his body with a very short time, HE WILL DIE.

But, of course, you have publicly stated that you do not care is Pippin dies as the result of his mistakes at 19. You have publicly stated that he deserves anything that happens to him. As the spokesman for TSCRA, I find it amazing that your masters allowed such an unvarnished, barbaric truth to be stated so blatantly and publicly. Clearly the arrogance of power of TSCRA leadership has caused them to think they can get away with such barbaric, unChristian, and unAmerican thinking. Williamson, perhaps nobody has noticed this up in that benighted area of Texas, but we are well into the 21st century! Such attitudes are no longer acceptable among civilized peoples.

In the final analysis, TCSRA and you, Mr. Williamson particularly, bear the moral responsibility for your actions. You clearly guided this special attention to this case. You exercise undue influence over the local “justice” system, including a compliant DA and judge. Don’t try to deny it. This was a teenager who made seriously bad choices, who took full responsibility when arrested, who offered restitution, yet that was not enough. Even after serving two years in a state jail, where the medical director testified they could not give him adequate medical care and during which he developed serious complications from lack of care, still your organization acted to deny him a compassionate release to probation. He served fifteen months of further incarceration, and then was given hose arrest. He served that probation flawlessly, as testified to by his Probation Officer. Yet he was not allowed credit for that fifteen months of actual cell time! Despite his exemplary record on probation, your DA opposed further probation, and he is back in a state prison. Not the state jail he was sentenced to, but state prison. There he daily endures the roller coaster of his blood sugars. He is transported back and forth to specialist appointments by full ambulance, costing between $2000-4000 a trip. His hospitalization alone cost tens of thousands of our tax dollars. The lawsuit that will follow should he die will cost taxpayers millions. All this to satisfy your own personal pride and vengeance.  I cannot imagine such blind self-righteousness and cruelty. Look to your own soul, sir.

And yes, I will have a great day. My heart has compassion and mercy. For you and your TSCRA, I have nothing but pity.  For me, I will do every thing I can to let the world know how craven and barbaric you and TSCRA are. This is not about “the people of Texas” being offended. It is a simple, ugly vendetta by rich and arrogant cattlemen against one young man. SHAME! If you want to clear your reputation, then contact your DA and the judge immediately and weigh in on his pending decision to release Pippin on medical grounds. He has suffered far too much. Roddy Pippin should not have to pay with his life for your pride and self-righteousness.

Phillip Baker, PA(ret)

Comments (0)

By shannon, February 18, 2010 1:00 pm

So, here’s 40 things I bet you didn’t know about me:

1. Do you like bleu cheese?  Ick.  NO. 
2. Have you ever smoked?  Yep.  I smoked Camel Lights for years.  Totally gross.
3. Do you own a gun?  I sure do.  I have a Sig Sauer P239  9mm semi-automatic handgun.  I practice regularly, and I’m a fairly decent shot.
4. Favorite type of food?  Cheeseburgers.  What can I say?  I’m a cheap date.
5. Favorite type of music?  80’s alternative.  For any Sirius/XM listeners, I’m a First Wave addict.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?  They’re pretty good with ketchup and mustard.
7. Favorite Christmas movie?  Most people have no idea what I’m talking about, but I love the movie Prancer. 
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?  Coffee.  Leaded.
9. Can you do push ups?  If there was a gun pointed to my head, maybe.
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?  My engagement ring.  It’s a beautiful antique ring that’s over 100 years old and belonged to Brian’s mother. 
11. Favorite hobby?  Reading.
12. Do you have A. D. D.?  No.  I have the opposite – O.C.D.
13. Do you wear glasses/contacts?  Yep.  I have contacts but I only wear them when I’m going out.  I wear glasses for everyday.
14. Middle name?  April.
15. Name three thoughts at this exact moment:  I’m hungry.  I’m bored.  Hungry and bored is not a good combination.
16. Name three drinks you regularly drink:  Coffee, Coke Zero, and Crystal Light Iced Tea.
17. Current worry?  I’m worried about Roddy.  Really worried.
18. Current hate right now?  Traffic.
19. Favorite place to be?  Wherever Brian is.
20. How did you bring in the new year?  By watching the inside of my eyelids.
21. Someplace you’d like to go?  I want to go back to Bermuda.  We went there for our honeymoon and it was amazing!
22. Name three people who will complete this.  I have no idea.
23. Do you own slippers?  Yep. 
24. What color shirt are you wearing?  Black (I love black!)
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?  Absolutely not.  Satin is polyester and polyester is hot.  I like sleeping on Sateen sheets, which are 100% cotton.  And breathable.
26. Can you whistle?  I sure can.  Can I whistle well?  Not even close.
27. Where are you now?  At work.
28. Would you be a pirate?  Probably not.  I have a whole Karma fear thing, so robbing others wouldn’t work for me.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower?  I don’t sing in the shower.
30. Favorite Girl’s Name?  So many, but I really like Emily.
31. Favorite boy’s name?  Aiden.
32. What is in your pocket right now?  Dexcom and my BodyMedia Fit display.
33. Last thing that made you laugh?  Something Brian said.  It’s always something Brian says.  He’s a funny guy.
34. What vehicle do you drive?  Monaco blue BMW 530i
35. Worst injury you’ve ever had?  All of the combined injuries from my car accident.
36. Do you love where you live?  I love our home; Maryland, I could easily walk away from.
37. How many TVs do you have in your house?  Three
38. How many computers do you have in your house?  We have five. 
39. If you changed your job, what would it be?  That’s such a hard question because most of the jobs I’d love to do require advanced education.  But, if I could magically have any job I wanted, I’d probably be a litigator.  I do love to argue
40. If you were granted three wishes, what would they be?
(1)  To experience pregnancy, (2) To be cured of diabetes, and (3) to be independently wealthy (hey, I’m being honest).

Comments (7)

By shannon, February 17, 2010 10:20 am

So, you guys know what’s going on with Roddy Pippin, right?  If not, I’ll give you the short version.  Roddy, a Type 1 diabetic, was arrested and charged with stealing cattle in Texas.  Without the representation of a decent attorney, he accepted a plea bargain that ended up being far harsher than what he would have faced if convicted in a jury trial.  He’s currently serving the 3^rd of his four State Jail terms, two years each (for 8 years total, although through some funny math by the courts, that has somehow increased by an additional 18 months). 

I’ve been privy to Roddy’s prison medical records, and I can say that the medical care he is receiving  is sub-standard.  Roddy’s insulin doses have been prescribed not by a qualified Endo who monitors his condition, but instead by a pharmacologist who obviously knows little-to-nothing about diabetes.  Roddy is classified in the prison system as Type II IDDM.  Type 2!  He’s given amazingly large doses of Lantus and Apidra in an attempt to create an artificially-low A1c (proof that he is being well-cared for, right?).  Nearly every day, he suffers a severe low.

We ALL know how horrible lows are.  We dread that feeling, and often run high just to avoid it.  Imagine not having any control over your diabetes care.  Someone else draws the insulin from the vial and injects it into you.  Imagine the reality of suffering those lows every day.  Imagine waking up in a pool of your own blood because the latest low caused a seizure so severe, you suffered a gash on your forehead.  Imagine being isolated at all times, and that your calls for help are ignored.   You spend every day alone, waiting for the next low that will finish you off. 

To me, this is the classic definition of torture.  Worse than waterboarding because there is nothing you can say or do to stop it.  There is no information that officials are trying to extract from you; this is your life. 

Take a look at the following photos.  The one on the left was taken just before Roddy returned to prison on November 8, 2009.  It’s the picture of a healthy young man.  The one on the right was taken recently (note this was about a week after that low-induced seizure caused that forehead gash).  Roddy has lost 28 pounds and is clearly experiencing a low in this photo.  He’s not looking so healthy anymore.  And this is only three months after the photo on the right was taken!

I write to Roddy, and he writes to me.  I try to let him know how much we, as diabetics, feel for him.  I tell him about my efforts to raise awareness of his situation, and how I’m not going to let anyone forget what’s going on in Texas.  He is so contrite.  He takes full responsibility for his crimes, and regrets them.  He has maintained a positive attitude despite his situation, but lately, his letters are starting to show signs of despair.  He tries to hide it, but it’s clear that he’s in immense pain.  Sometimes, based on the handwriting, you can tell he’s just had or is about to have a low. 

It breaks my heart what Roddy’s going through.  I’ve tried to get his story out there, but that “good ole boy” network in Texas is so powerful.  Even the most liberal of news outlets won’t touch this one.  So, I’ll continue to use my blog to report on Roddy.  If anyone in a position to help would like to do so, just send me an email:  shannon at ladadeeda dot com.

Comments (6)

By shannon, February 16, 2010 3:16 pm

I’ve been a very bad blogger (wow, that sounds like the beginning of a porn movie or something!).  Thing is, I’m in a funk.  I know that a large part of it is because of the whole infertility thing.  Especially with people having babies all around me (BTW, the number of pregnancies keeps growing – I’m up to 11 friends now).  Sometimes, it gets a little overwhelming. 

Then there’s all this freaking snow!  I know that by the time August rolls around, I’ll be begging for snow (I do NOT like the heat), but this is just ridiculous.  There are snow banks so high and so large that you can’t see around them.  Everyday, when I leave my office, I feel like I’m playing Russian Roulette with the oncoming traffic. 

So, what I can’t figure out is this:

1.  Is all of this ickiness is making me feel like shit?

or

2.  Is it because I feel like shit that everything is so icky?

I know I sound like the poster child for Zoloft, and believe me, it has a place of honor next to my insulin.  I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember.  I know what this is, but I can’t just “shake it off.”  There are a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now.

Now, with the infertility stuff weighing so heavily on my mind, I’m finding it very difficult to fake enthusiasm.  Yes, I’m happy for everyone out there who is currently having or has just given birth to a child.  But, please understand how painful it is for me right now.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I don’t want to see your new baby right now.  I don’t want to come over and talk about/hold/gush over him or her. I don’t want to see how cute your nursery is or look at your ultrasound pictures.  I’m very happy for you, and I wouldn’t wish this fate on anyone, but I just can’t pretend right now.  I just can’t.

And to the asshole, who I overheard say: “infertility is the earth’s way of solving global warming,” I’d like to say that I hope you die a slow and painful death.

Comments (3)

By shannon, February 12, 2010 12:11 pm

When I first went on a carb counting regimen,  after six months of pills that did nothing except make me sick, and another six months of NPH and R, which dropped me like a stone at random, unpredictable times, I used Humalog. 

I liked Humalog.  I was able to keep my TDD low, and I seemed to respond well to its peaks and duration.  At some point, I don’t even know when, I was switched over to Novolog.  It might have been for insurance purposes or maybe it was when I moved to insulin pump therapy.  I honestly can’t remember.

I have a point (I’m just getting there slowly, like everything else I’m doing today).  Since using Novolog, my TDD has slowly been creeping up.  Is it insulin resistance because I’m a lazy putz who doesn’t want to exercise?  Possibly.  But, it could also be that Novolog’s peak time and duration have so totally screwed up my dosing that I’m taking more and more correction boluses for foods that shouldn’t require a correction.  I’ve had to tweak my basals more, too.

So, not liking the fact that I’m taking so much more insulin than I used to, I did some research.  I know, I know, you’re all shocked and amazed.  What I learned is that Novolog has a reputation for being the slowest acting of the three rapid insulins (Novolog, Humalog, and Apidra).  What most people say is that Apidra is the fastest.  Some people have even cut down their TDD with Apidra. 

While I’m not expecting miracles, I do think it’s time to make a change.  So, first thing this morning, I dialed up Dr. S’s office to see about making the switch.  I know he must think I’m a complete pain in the ass at this point (first the switch from MM CGM to Dexcom, then from MM 722 to Omnipod, and now from Novolog to Apidra), but my goal is to achieve better numbers, so that should be commended, right.  I’m still a pain in the ass, though.  I know it, and I’m ok with it.

So, I’ve tried Humalog (and liked it), I’m using Novolog (not happily), and I now I’m switching to Apidra. 

I’m also starting an exercise schedule and eating more healthier (yes, I know that’s not grammatically correct, but I like it, so deal).

Comments (3)

By shannon, February 10, 2010 8:54 am

A few minutes ago, as Brian and I sat around drinking coffee and watching the snow, we were debating when we last saw this much snow.  There was a storm back in 1996 that was similar to this one.  As I began to remember it more clearly, I told Brian a story about one night during that storm.

My friends and I had walked up to a local micro-brewery (I lived in DC at the time, and walking was the ONLY method of transport for us).  We had a great time drinking beer, smoking, and eating incredibly unhealthy food.  Then, after we were all good and drunk, we piled into the back of some random guy’s pickup, and he drove us home.  It was the perfect night for a bunch of twenty-somethings stuck in a blizzard.

But, when I remember that night, it’s almost as if I’m watching a film.  I don’t feel like the same person who drank with abandon and smoked Camel Lights.  This was only a few years before I was diagnosed with diabetes, but it feels like an entire lifetime ago.

As a diabetic, I rarely drink and I NEVER smoke.  That young girl who partied it up that night didn’t even know what diabetes was.  She’d never tested her blood sugar, and she certainly didn’t have to count the carbs in that plate of nachos.  When I think about her, I see nothing of my current self.

It makes me angry and resentful; I want to be that carefree girl again.  And sometimes, it’s hard to remember her without feeling immense sadness. But, with my new life came a new purpose.  Being a part of the Diabetes Community is something I treasure.  While I’d give it up in a heartbeat to be the former me, I embrace it for what it is.  My life.