Thank you all so much for your kind words. You guys are so amazing, and I’m humbled by your incredible support. Today was about so much more than some rude people at a doctor’s office. It was about the feelings that most of us (as PWD) experience on a regular basis: fear, guilt, confusion, guilt, anger, guilt … you know what I mean?

Anyway, to have those feelings not only discussed, but also given as a reason why pregnancy might not be a good thing, well, it’s a lot to take in. I know that I shouldn’t let one bad appointment dictate where I go from here. I know that there are lots of positive reasons why I should pursue a pregnancy. I just feel overwhelmed by everything that I have to do. And I can’t stand it when the hard work I’ve been doing is completely irrelevant.

I can’t stand being judged by numbers and not effort.  I know that my A1c was high. I’m working hard to get it back down.  I know that my weight is up. That’s why I started taking Symlin before every meal.  I know that I’ll have to change BP meds before I conceive. That’s why I have a full supply ready for when we start whatever.  I know where I’ve been, where I am, and where I need to be. I don’t need to be educated by a doctor and/or nurse who clearly knows less about Type 1 diabetes than I do.

I’m pushing through this.  Tomorrow morning, I’ll have blood drawn to (hopefully) figure out where my MIA period is.  I’ll get a prescription for Provera to bring it on and finally start the fertility process.  I’m scared, but hopeful.  I’m not going back to that high-risk OB.

Then there’s all this freaking snow!  I know that by the time August rolls around, I’ll be begging for snow (I do NOT like the heat), but this is just ridiculous.  There are snow banks so high and so large that you can’t see around them.  Everyday, when I leave my office, I feel like I’m playing Russian Roulette with the oncoming traffic. 

So, what I can’t figure out is this:

1.  Is all of this ickiness is making me feel like shit?

or

2.  Is it because I feel like shit that everything is so icky?

I know I sound like the poster child for Zoloft, and believe me, it has a place of honor next to my insulin.  I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember.  I know what this is, but I can’t just “shake it off.”  There are a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now.

Now, with the infertility stuff weighing so heavily on my mind, I’m finding it very difficult to fake enthusiasm.  Yes, I’m happy for everyone out there who is currently having or has just given birth to a child.  But, please understand how painful it is for me right now.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I don’t want to see your new baby right now.  I don’t want to come over and talk about/hold/gush over him or her. I don’t want to see how cute your nursery is or look at your ultrasound pictures.  I’m very happy for you, and I wouldn’t wish this fate on anyone, but I just can’t pretend right now.  I just can’t.

And to the asshole, who I overheard say: “infertility is the earth’s way of solving global warming,” I’d like to say that I hope you die a slow and painful death.

The first blog I ever read was Kerri’s Six Until Me.  It resonated so strongly with my feelings, and I found that we had lots in common (including home states, cat names, and occupations).  From there, I entered a whole new world of diabetes blogs, websites, and social networks like TuDiabetes. I lurked for ages, afraid to write something stupid.  But, I often found myself bobbing my head in agreement as I read others’ words.

Now, I’m a blogger, too.  I do it mostly for me because it’s a very liberating experience.  But, if even one person out there is able to identify with what I write, then I’ve done even more than I’d hoped.