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By shannon, February 16, 2010 3:16 pm

I’ve been a very bad blogger (wow, that sounds like the beginning of a porn movie or something!).  Thing is, I’m in a funk.  I know that a large part of it is because of the whole infertility thing.  Especially with people having babies all around me (BTW, the number of pregnancies keeps growing – I’m up to 11 friends now).  Sometimes, it gets a little overwhelming. 

Then there’s all this freaking snow!  I know that by the time August rolls around, I’ll be begging for snow (I do NOT like the heat), but this is just ridiculous.  There are snow banks so high and so large that you can’t see around them.  Everyday, when I leave my office, I feel like I’m playing Russian Roulette with the oncoming traffic. 

So, what I can’t figure out is this:

1.  Is all of this ickiness is making me feel like shit?

or

2.  Is it because I feel like shit that everything is so icky?

I know I sound like the poster child for Zoloft, and believe me, it has a place of honor next to my insulin.  I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember.  I know what this is, but I can’t just “shake it off.”  There are a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now.

Now, with the infertility stuff weighing so heavily on my mind, I’m finding it very difficult to fake enthusiasm.  Yes, I’m happy for everyone out there who is currently having or has just given birth to a child.  But, please understand how painful it is for me right now.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I don’t want to see your new baby right now.  I don’t want to come over and talk about/hold/gush over him or her. I don’t want to see how cute your nursery is or look at your ultrasound pictures.  I’m very happy for you, and I wouldn’t wish this fate on anyone, but I just can’t pretend right now.  I just can’t.

And to the asshole, who I overheard say: “infertility is the earth’s way of solving global warming,” I’d like to say that I hope you die a slow and painful death.

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By shannon, November 9, 2009 6:07 pm

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past few years, it’s the importance of the online community in coping with diabetes.  When I was first diagnosed, I felt really alone; I was going through an endless cycle of guilt, fear, and anger.  I didn’t know that it was normal to feel these emotions.

The first blog I ever read was Kerri’s Six Until Me.  It resonated so strongly with my feelings, and I found that we had lots in common (including home states, cat names, and occupations).  From there, I entered a whole new world of diabetes blogs, websites, and social networks like TuDiabetes. I lurked for ages, afraid to write something stupid.  But, I often found myself bobbing my head in agreement as I read others’ words.

Now, I’m a blogger, too.  I do it mostly for me because it’s a very liberating experience.  But, if even one person out there is able to identify with what I write, then I’ve done even more than I’d hoped.

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By shannon, October 9, 2009 6:11 pm

I love Pottery Barn. I want to take the entire store and just set it up in my house. Even the ugly stuff is nice. What is wrong with me?

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By shannon, June 13, 2009 12:06 pm

As an update to my last post, I had new bloodwork done last week. The next morning (at a really early hour), Dr. S. called.