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By shannon, August 25, 2010 9:26 am

I like change.  I’m one of those weird people who doesn’t like when things get too stagnant.  Change is good.  Right?

Tomorrow, I see Dr. S.  Yep, it’s time for a visit to the principal’s office.

I have mixed feelings about this.  I am looking forward to and dreading this appointment at the same time.   There will be no lab results; no A1c.  As always, I’ll be weighed (dreaded moment #1), BP checked (this shouldn’t be bad, but who knows?), and BG tested on their dinosaur meter, whose results are ALWAYS vastly different from mine.

We’re going to review my Dexcom reports (dreaded moment #2) and see what, if any, chances need to be made.

We will be making changes.  I have to make some changes.

I know he’s going to ask me about my weight gain (dreaded moment #3).  I have some good reasons for this: my sister’s death, fertility drugs, blah, blah, blah.  They’re all just bullshit excuses.  I’ve gained weight because I’ve been eating like crap and not exercising.  PERIOD.  

But, I feel so deep in this hole that I have no idea how to get out.  I was doing so well on Symlin, but it’s not safe during pregnancy, so I had to stop.  And it pisses me off because so many of the things I’m doing (or not doing) because they’re unsafe for pregnancy are probably for nothing. 

I have a point; I promise.

Starting today and for the foreseeable future, I’m going to be eating only low-carb foods.  No more pasta; no more fries.  I will not eat any of that stuff because it is my own personal kryptonite.  I’m going to stick to protein, fat, and veggies (of the uncooked variety – I loathe cooked vegetables)

I’m also going to ask Dr. S. about Metformin.  This is a big fear because Met is one of the meds I was given during my misdiagnosis fiasco. It did nothing for me except make me sick.  But, I’ve read that the XR version is much easier to tolerate, and at this point, I’m willing to try.  It’s also a pregnancy category B drug, which means that it’s probably safe (nothing is category A).

One of my biggest problems right now is my insulin intake.  I’ve definitely got some resistance happening, and it’s leading to much higher doses of insulin to cover basal and bolus needs, which is leading to more fat storage, which is leading to greater insulin needs, etc. It’s an endless cycle.

There’s got to be an easier way!

I have made no secret of my struggle with diabulimia. And there is this big voice in my head that’s telling me to just stop taking so much insulin.  Just take a small shot here and there to avoid DKA.  My weight would drop so quickly, and I’d feel great.  That’s the thing that makes it so appealing.  When I was restricting insulin, I felt fantastic.  Most of the time, I had no idea how high I really was, but it didn’t matter – I had tons of energy.  Now, I struggle just to get out of bed in the morning.

But, I won’t do it.  I’ve spent the past three years trying to maintain a decent A1c so that I can have a baby.  I’m not going to throw that all away now for a quick fix to my weight issues.  I want to.  But I won’t.

I have a plan, and I’m going to do my best to stick with it:

1. Eat low-carb
2. Take Metformin
3. Exercise

If anyone has any suggestions or words of wisdom, please, please share!

Comments (1)

By shannon, April 24, 2009 7:41 am

*Originally posted on 6/25/08*

Once I finally calmed down enough to actually listen to my doctor (I wasn’t in hysterics or anything, just upset), we talked about Symlin. A big part of my problem with blood sugar is that I’m a yo-yo. I’ll eat a meal, bolus accordingly, and still spike to over 300. Naturally, I correct, but then I’ll drop like a stone a few hours later. He said that Symlin should help even me out and reduce the need for correction doses hours later. Since an added bonus to Symlin is decreased appetite and weight loss, he thought I should give it a try.

As I’ve written before, I struggle with diabulimia. After I left my doctor’s office, there was a big (very big) voice inside my head that screamed “just take the stupid pump off. It’s not working anyway. Besides, you’re never going to be able to have kids, so at least you could be thin.” Why do I do this to myself? Why are we so obsessed with weight that I feel enormous pressure to lose what I’ve gained? Why does my mother think that being thin is more important than being healthy? Why, despite what my doctor has repeatedly said, does my people think that I’m diabetic because of my weight, and that it will simply go away if I’m a size 2? And, why do I care so much what my other people think?

After telling this voice to shut up, I filled the Symlin script and went home. I didn’t use it last night or this morning just in case I had nausea. I’m going to start it with dinner tonight and see how it goes. Wish me luck.