Another Month Gone.
Totally not related, but a really cute shot of Hoosier.
On Saturday, I got my period. Again. Deep down, I knew that I wasn’t pregnant, but I still secretly hoped that I was. It was probably for the best because I wasn’t a good diabetic during those two weeks. I had far too many highs (thanks to holiday eating), I took Advil, and I drank coffee. I totally knew I wasn’t pregnant.
But, after reading Kerri’s blog yesterday, I wondered (not for the first time) if I am really meant to carry a child. Maybe I’m not getting pregnant because I shouldn’t have a baby. When I look at Kerri and read about her struggles, it scares the crap out of me. I’m terrified that I would be doing more harm than good by having a baby. I’m not as disciplined as I need to be. I seem to want to take the “I’ll buckle down when it actually happens” kind of attitude. But, will I? Really? I like to think that I will, but I have so much self-doubt at this point that I just can’t be sure.
Does everyone have these kinds of feelings? Is it normal? Is it just a diabetic thing? Seriously, if you’re reading this and you can identify with it, please comment.
The good thing is that I couldn’t be more confident about being a parent. Brian and I are SO on the same page when it comes to parenting styles. We joke about how our kids are probably going to hate us, but we don’t want to be our kids’ friends. We want to be their parents. We want to teach them to be strong, confident, and independent. They will learn the value of a dollar and do chores to earn it. We will encourage their hopes and dreams, but also keep them grounded enough to appreciate the little things in life.
The bottom line is this: we both WANT children so badly that the absence of a child is physically painful. With nearly everyone around us pregnant, we can’t escape the longing. If the adoption process wasn’t such a terrifying prospect, I think we probably would have already started pursuing it. We both want a child that is biologically ours, but we’d love an adopted child just as much.
So, as I struggle through another month of uncertainty and doubt (and guilt), I try to remember the good things. I’m free; and I’ve got a good job (not something everyone has today), a beautiful home, a fantastic new (to me) car, and the most wonderful husband in the world. I’m truly lucky, and I love the life I’ve built. I’m just missing that one, final piece to my puzzle.
On the bright side, this means that when I fly to Florida this Friday, I can (and will) take as much Xanax as I need.
Themocracy
I’m no where near having a child myself, but when I do think of the future and possibly having a child, I have the same fears. You’re not alone.
Good luck, hun.
If the idea of not having a child is painful, then actually you are meant to have one! Pregnancy and diabetes are totally workable and you have the very best tools to making it extra smooth with pump and CGM. Hang in there!
I was diagnosed in 2008 at the age of 31. My boyfriend and I were together 1 year. The first thing my doctor said after he told me was “If you want to have kids, you should do it now.” That scared me beyond belief because the only thing I’ve ever wanted in life is to be a mom. Now that I’m engaged, I really have started thinking about it. Will I be able to do it? Will I be disciplined enough to have strict enough control sugars? Will my body betray me, yet again?? I just want to let you know that you’re not alone. I have those same fears. I think about it alot, probably way too much.
My brother and his wife have adopted 2 wonderful daughters so that has opened me up to adoption, if biological children aren’t in my future.
I believe if your child is out there, you’ll find your way to them! Best of luck
Thank you guys so much for your encouraging words. They really do help in wrapping my head around all of this. I truly appreciate your feedback!
Hi Shannon,
I found your blog through Kerri’s and I can 100%, without a doubt, totally relate to your post. She has made me want to be a better, more disciplined diabetic (and future mom) by reading her posts and seeing her struggles and triumphs.
But I have so many doubts about how long I can keep up the obsessive diligence it seems to take to get into “baby range” (as my doctor calls it.) I don’t have a medical TEAM on my side. I have my endo, my husband and me. Of course my friends and family are totally supportive, but when it comes right down to it, it’s ME who has to do the work, put in the logging and testing to get my A1c down to where it needs to be before I can even be granted permission to try to get pregnant.
I’ll be 34 in May and my doctor says if all goes well on my next 2 A1c’s, that she’ll likely give me the green light in June. I hate having a timeline on my back like a target, but it’s what I have to do because I also want a child so much that it’s painful to NOT have one.
Sorry for the long, rambly post. But I just wanted to tell you that you are NOT alone in this journey of being scared out of your mind and afraid of what a daunting task lies ahead! But you WILL because you WANT it!
All the very best wishes!!
Thanks for your comment, Lindsay. I was given the proverbial “green light” over two years ago (when I was 34 as a matter of fact). We just never expected the fertility problems. I spent over a year getting my numbers in range, which is fine. It’s having to maintain that kind of control until (if?) I can get pregnant that’s getting me down. I mean, I know that we’re supposed to have good control to avoid complications, etc., but I’ve been on 24-hour alert for two years. I’m exhausted!
Like you, I have my endo, my OB/GYN, and my husband. No team, no big support network. Most people don’t even know what type 1 diabetes is, nevermind expecting them to know the challenges in pregnancy.
Seriously, I feel sorry for the next person who asks: “when are you going to have a baby?”
Thanks again for the encouragement. I wish you all the best, as well.
Because you already know how I feel about the baby stuff, I’ll comment on Hoosier. What was he doing? LOL. Sleeping? He’s a character, that cat.
Hi–I just found your blog today. I can very much relate–I dealt with unexplained infertility and did a year of treatment (Clomid, IUI, IVF) before conceiving my son, who is now nearly 3. I’m in the midst of another round of IVF to conceive a second, and have blogged about infertility and diabetes (and pregnancy) for years. Good luck with everything, and feel free to email me or check out my blog if you want another perspective on infertility and diabetes.
Hi–returning back to say thanks for adding me to your blogroll! My blog’s official name is Managing the Sweetness Within, but honestly, as long as your link works, I’m grateful for it.